Life in the inside
My model friend has asked me to do a blog of her life over the next 3 years while she is locked up in goal in NSW. There are her words which I am passing onto the blog.
This first piece is from 4th December 2017.
She sits silently behind the bars, rugged up in her trackies and jumper staring out into the cged world she now calls home. Watching as the rain drops dance down from the sky bouncing off leaves before hitting the ground. Between that and the calming sounds of the birds that surround her she has found some comfort in this new life she is living but sadly she is still unable to dismember how she is now numb to the core leaving her eyes wet as they cry out, I don't want to be alone anymore.
This next piece is called Letters to Matt. 31/12/18
Obviously as you know I write, I love to write lame poems, random meaningful pieces that mean nothing to everyone else but everything to me. You also know I love to read, especially poetic literature. I remember how certain pieces have resignated with me over the years and how I have found clarity in the words of others as they have perfectly captured my feelings when I have not been able tooand this was beneficial to me time and time again. Anyway so I am doubtful that my pieces will ever have that same effect on anyone else but I owe it to myself to atleast try. So I have started with this blog with the help of my dear friend Steve because evidently ( Being in goal and all) I have no access to the magical invention called the internet. LOL
Anyway, so its 6.30pm on a Monday, tonight is news years eve and I am at my desk. Pen to paper like usual only tonight I cant stop thinking about you. Yep a thousand memories flash through my mind like the premier of a new movie, "The story of us". I heard a song on the radio today, our song, I had to stop and catch my breath, tears were rolling down my face as I remembered the very first time I heard it play. You sent me the link, you were listening to my favourite radio station at work. I cried not only because of its beautiful and meaningful lyrics but because at a time I was feeling so lost and alone you reminded me that you did love me and that I was never alone because you were there.
Now here 2 years later I find myself lost and alone yet somehow I feel a small comfort remembering, hoping that you are still here. I miss you. Hate how much you hurt me, that I could never forget but I know how much I loved you and that I will always remember.
So I thought I would share something with you, I know you may not like it, you may not totally agree but just try to remember this wasn't written to try to punish you, it was written to help me.
"I loved her, not for the way she danced with my angels, but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons" UNKOWN
You know she was once your everything, it may have only been for a few months here and there but it was her and only her that you came looking for when everything was gone and no one was around. Remember, Remember how alive and full of life she was when you first met her, remember remember the smile on her face when you used to go driving in BESSY the car, remember remember how in her eyes you once could do no wrong. Now remember remember how she would beg you y come home at night, remember remember the tears that fell from her eyes as she slowly began to discover the truth in all your lies, remember remember the look of fear each time you raised your voice (or your fists), remember remember how that light that once shined brightly just stopped shinin. There is a dark cloud that hangs above her head now, where once it was a rainbow.
Rememeber that you broke her heart, that lonely girl yet she forgives it all. She stills loves you, you know.
Whilst rummaging through my belongings I cam across a piece of scrap paper, a "piece" I wrote this time last year. How ironic one year later I am still filling pages with words and wasting pen ink only this year I am doing something with those words. I wonder if anyone will have read my words by this time next year, who knows.
Happy new years Matthew. This is one year down, three more to go ( four for you ) to go. I pray we both win our appeals when we are meant too.
January 2018
Its just past 8.30 and I am the only one awake in my pod. I am tired but I just don't want to go to sleep. So much running through my head but I am trying not to really think in fear that if I do I will end up crying myself to sleep.
There is a cloud hanging over me again, a slight sadness fills the air.
How is it that someone can "have your back" be ready to "tie up your hair" when only a week or two earlier had run you down, announced the secrets you had shared. How is one able to trust ever again when somehow she keeps getting burnt, why is it when we have so much love to give we seem to get none in return. Why do I feel so dam lonely if I am never actually alone.
I do not think I am better than anyone nor do I hold myself any further above. Why must it seem such a struggle to fit in, its like there is not always a place for me. I am left confused and uncertain . A loser, a loner, strange or a freak, just some of the things they will say. But names are really nothing when your made to feel this way. I am not one of the cool kids, I never will be.
Highscool seems a breeze when compared to the bitchyness and bullshit that goes on inside a female prison. Atleast in highschool I got to go home and pretend everything was fine. I do not understand the way some people operate. How can someone tie up your hair ready to have your back in a fight but talk shit about you , run you down and laugh behind your back. How does one decide, friend or foe.
I am sorry I don't call much anymore but I just don't know what to say I feel like there is so much I want to tell you but never enough time or there are people around so I don't want to cry and I am scared I wont be able to stop myself. I hate this place.
